Angry Man

After more than 3 months, I still don't know if I am beginning to recover from the pain of mom's passing. The pain is less and intense but has slowly evolve into a different emotion. Anger.

Yes, I have become an angry man. The people close to me have been unfortunately made to bear with my tempers flaring. I am really sorry for venting my anger at them but I am baffled myself by my behavior.

I don't know what is happening to me. One day I feel as light as a bird and the next day, I feel as heavy as a stone. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride. Am I going crazy?

I feel tired and demotivated at work. I get frustrated easily and lose my temper. There is little joy in the things that I used to like doing. My health is not in good shape due to stress. Even after going for a holiday I  felt slightly better but then I feel guilty for being slightly happy. My emotions are struggling to make sense.

Is this depression? Or am I losing my mind?

Why am I angry? Is it because I didn't do enough for mom? Maybe because I could have possibly prevented her death?  I am angry at my relatives for throwing away mom's belongings just after the funeral? Mad at myself for believing them? Angry at myself for not realizing she was seriously unwell? Work stress?

I really miss mom a lot and feel like crying at times. But I forced myself not to, should I? Could this turn to anger?

Am I punishing myself?

I just hope I can come out of this.

Searching for an Answer

More than 3 weeks have gone by.

I don't know why I have started writing again, my defunct blog.
Maybe it's my way of dealing with my loss.

For the whole of last week, I spent a lot time trying to understand the cause of mom's illness and what led to her death. The doctors never explain the actual causes of her illness. At least not comprehensible in layman terms for me. The words that still ring in my ears are "serious condition", "prepare for the worst", "her heart is functioning at 20% now", fluids in her lung", "infection", "do you agree to resuscitate her if her heart suddenly stops" and more.  The whole incident caught me off guard and honestly, I just lost my bearings.

Mom was hospitalized for 3 days before succumbing to her illness. She was in bad shape on the 1st day but she regained consciousness.  The very first night mom was admitted, doctors had already told me to prepare for the worst and discuss it with other members of my family. I didn't because I couldn't think of living without mom. On the 2nd day, she was recovering well, conscious and able to talk briefly. I thought there is hope after all. Her condition worsen rapidly on the 3rd day and then slipped into a coma.

After piecing together the before and after event, I finally found an answer to mom's illness. Mom had been saying her heart sometimes beats fast and the traditional Chinese doctors believed her heart was weak a few years ago. According to doctors, it was part of aging and there was not much we could do except taking some Chinese herbal soup to strengthen her health. Mom always had swellings on her legs and had insomnia for about 2 years. Now I learn mom was suffering from Congestive Heart Failure.

It's a chronic heart disease which means mom's heart was slowly failing. When the heart fails, it could not pump blood properly to other organs, and in mom's case, this cause fluid retention her lung due to the back pressure. This explains mom feeling dizzy for many days due to the lack of oxygen in her blood as her lung was filled with fluid.

When things got more serious, mom had breathing difficulties and needed to be admitted immediately. By then, the fluids in her lung was infected which is known as community acquired pneumonia. She was sedated and put on a oxygen ventilator via breathing tubes. As she had an infection and her heart was weak, doctors had to use drugs intravenously to make her heart pump stronger but the side effect was her hear was pumping very fast for her age. In reality, mom was living on life support by using breathing machines and drugs in the hope she can overcome the infection which require 3 days to a week to be effective.

By the 3rd day, mom was suffering from severe sepsis which is blood infection. When an initial infection worsen, the whole body is infected through the blood stream. Then the whole body immune system goes into an overdrive to fight the infection. When this happens, the blood pressure will be dangerously low, reduced oxygen in blood stream and vital organs can shut down. To compensate this, the heart will pump even faster which can be fatal.

Mom's heart stopped once on the 3rd night but she bravely fought on after doctors successfully resuscitated her. By early hours of next morning, when I was at her bedside, her heart finally gave away and she left peacefully.

Although this answer will neither bring back mom nor change anything, the truth is a very important for me personally. At least I know what really happened and why her condition deteriorated rapidly.

I still miss you a lot mama.

What if?

Two weeks have gone by and I'm still thinking a lot about mom.
It is still very hard to accept that she is really gone. Forever.

I try recounting the days or weeks before she suddenly taken ill and was hospitalized. What were the signs I had missed out during my conversation with her? How could I not notice?

Two weeks before mom was admitted, she had called me to catch up. We talked about what dish she'll be cooking when I return to Ipoh the following weekend.

"Firstly, I want soup for dinner", a request I make everytime I go back to Ipoh.

"What kind of soup? Lotus root and peanut soup?", she queried.

"Yes, that's great!", I replied eagerly.

"Alright. I will be cooking steamed chicken for Pei Tse", she added on obviously referring to the favourite dish of my wife.

" I feel slightly dizzy recently", mom shared.

I was concerned because she was suffering from hypertension for many years. So I bombarded her with questions after questions.
High Blood Pressure medication taken? Check.
BP check by doctor? Check.
Fever, cold, flu? Check.

Mom had seen a couple of doctors in that week and they ruled out anything serious. Doctors thought her dizziness could be possibly attributed to her insomnia, a condition mom has been enduring for the past two years or a deteriorating vision in her eyes. She used to have a bout of dizziness when her glasses was out of focus and a new pair of glasses solved the problem.

"Don't worry mom. I will come back next week and bring you to see the eye specialist. By the way, I will reach Ipoh on Sunday after my local trip to Penang" I assured her before ending the call as usual.

Another week had passed and I arrived at Ipoh. Mom told me she felt better after doctors prescribe medication for dizziness. But still she felt dizzy from time to time. Therefore I decided to bring her to see an eye specialist the next day and told her we will have breakfast together.

The next morning when I picked her up.

"Let's go for breakfast before going to the eye clinic", I invited mom.

"What breakfast? I thought you will just bring me to the clinic. I already had my brekky", said mom, obviously forgotten about our breakfast date.

And I went for breakfast with Pei Tse while mom waited for us at home. We sent her to the clinic after we had breakfast. Mom told us to return to KL first because there is a long queue at the clinic which normally stretch to  4 or 5 hours until evening. She assured me not to worry and she will ride a cab home and call me to talk about the consultation.

I reached KL in the evening and immediately called mom. The eye doctor told her that the lens of one of her eyes, which was operated years ago due to cataract was slightly tainted. He prescribed eye drops and vitamins for mom. We thought the dizziness was finally diagnosed.

That was the last time I spoke to mom before she was hospitalized.
Five days later, I received that dreadful call from my cousin.

What if I had stayed at Ipoh longer to accompany mom?
What if I had suspected something more serious and brought her for a full medical check up?
What if I had been a more filial son?

Mom could be saved if I was more careful.
I'm really, really sorry mommy..