What if?

Two weeks have gone by and I'm still thinking a lot about mom.
It is still very hard to accept that she is really gone. Forever.

I try recounting the days or weeks before she suddenly taken ill and was hospitalized. What were the signs I had missed out during my conversation with her? How could I not notice?

Two weeks before mom was admitted, she had called me to catch up. We talked about what dish she'll be cooking when I return to Ipoh the following weekend.

"Firstly, I want soup for dinner", a request I make everytime I go back to Ipoh.

"What kind of soup? Lotus root and peanut soup?", she queried.

"Yes, that's great!", I replied eagerly.

"Alright. I will be cooking steamed chicken for Pei Tse", she added on obviously referring to the favourite dish of my wife.

" I feel slightly dizzy recently", mom shared.

I was concerned because she was suffering from hypertension for many years. So I bombarded her with questions after questions.
High Blood Pressure medication taken? Check.
BP check by doctor? Check.
Fever, cold, flu? Check.

Mom had seen a couple of doctors in that week and they ruled out anything serious. Doctors thought her dizziness could be possibly attributed to her insomnia, a condition mom has been enduring for the past two years or a deteriorating vision in her eyes. She used to have a bout of dizziness when her glasses was out of focus and a new pair of glasses solved the problem.

"Don't worry mom. I will come back next week and bring you to see the eye specialist. By the way, I will reach Ipoh on Sunday after my local trip to Penang" I assured her before ending the call as usual.

Another week had passed and I arrived at Ipoh. Mom told me she felt better after doctors prescribe medication for dizziness. But still she felt dizzy from time to time. Therefore I decided to bring her to see an eye specialist the next day and told her we will have breakfast together.

The next morning when I picked her up.

"Let's go for breakfast before going to the eye clinic", I invited mom.

"What breakfast? I thought you will just bring me to the clinic. I already had my brekky", said mom, obviously forgotten about our breakfast date.

And I went for breakfast with Pei Tse while mom waited for us at home. We sent her to the clinic after we had breakfast. Mom told us to return to KL first because there is a long queue at the clinic which normally stretch to  4 or 5 hours until evening. She assured me not to worry and she will ride a cab home and call me to talk about the consultation.

I reached KL in the evening and immediately called mom. The eye doctor told her that the lens of one of her eyes, which was operated years ago due to cataract was slightly tainted. He prescribed eye drops and vitamins for mom. We thought the dizziness was finally diagnosed.

That was the last time I spoke to mom before she was hospitalized.
Five days later, I received that dreadful call from my cousin.

What if I had stayed at Ipoh longer to accompany mom?
What if I had suspected something more serious and brought her for a full medical check up?
What if I had been a more filial son?

Mom could be saved if I was more careful.
I'm really, really sorry mommy..

Anchor is Lost

Today mark exactly one week of mom's passing.

But the pain felt just like yesterday. I feel so empty now, devoid of any purpose.
The feeling is like an anchor is lost and the ship is adrift in the open sea.

When will I find my anchor again?